More Light
With this post I’m making both a confession & a promise.
My confession is I’ve been keeping myself in the dark.
I repeatedly put myself down below this black cloud to be consumed by the shadows of what was, is, and could sadly be.
My promise is to choose more light.
To choose to empower myself before giving in to the same old shameful narrative that I’ve grown so accustomed to. To give my energy to my future self and this vision I’ve been given, instead of my insecurities, instead of the past and the demons entangled within it.
Art by James R. Eads
There’s a saying about darkness — you can’t hide from it.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.
Darkness comes in many forms:
Negativity
Fear & despondency
Ignorance & indecision
Separation & desperation
Confusion & mistrust
Darkness can be related to many things, and we’re all afflicted by our own shade of it. The darkness that feeds my own anxiety & depression is self-doubt. At its core, it’s ‘cause of fear & insecurity, it’s about avoidance & self-preservation. Self-doubt isn’t always a disservice; indeed it protects us from potential harm & disappointment, but in excess, it can prove to be just as debilitating as the harm it hides us from.
Often I feel that my inner dialogue is probably darker than most. Though I still have moments where I surprise the hell out of myself, pun intended.
Hey, when I’m good, I’m great. When I’m just “fine”, I know I’ll be alright, but when I’m triggered, I just want to hide. When I’m triggered-triggered, I am not okay, and I’m gripped by the fear that I’ll never recover.
My best guess is that I’m so easily triggered ‘cause I’m constantly looping on what I fear, rubbing myself raw with worry, cause there’s a piece inside me that believes in all that shit. So, when I am reproached by anyone else I just take so damn much of it to heart because it totally reaffirms the self-fulfilling prophecy I’ve created about me & my self-worth. That I’m disgraceful. An ignorant, half-hearted piece of shit who will always disappoint.
Sound brutal?
So it goes.
Look, it’s hard to change your mind about how to feel when you’re in a funk, or ill, or just feelin’ like shit. I am absolutely my own worst enemy, especially whenever I feel sick, ashamed, or incompetent, I am not kind. That’s when my self-loathing peaks and I beat myself up the worst; I will blame myself so harshly for any kind of imbalance or shortcoming that I exhibit.
It’s true, and I’ve heard plenty of stories of others who experience similar dark emo-storms of doubt & fear, where they tend to speak of everything in absolutes, remain very pessimistic & just make themselves so small & insignificant. Internalizing that the most significant thing about them is their negativity, their pain, their trauma.
It’s a sad and somewhat laughable experience to witness a close friend thinking & saying that they have nothing going for themselves, there’s nothing interesting about them, they’re doing nothing nor have ever done anything worthwhile. To me it seems like they feel embarrassed for not deeply knowing, or perhaps just forgetting, what they’re really about, and so they think they don’t have a real purpose because they think they’re not fulfilling one, so they feel lost. When the truth is, the only thing they’ve lost is hope and some self-respect.
This happens all the time, some 18-25 year old starts thinking way too much about their life, about what they & theirs stands for, about who they are and who they wish they could be, and after sifting through their life experiences, they chalk themselves up to be a failure because they just can’t help but feel down about what they and/or their place is worth.
My theory is that this kind of funk is due to a pervading low morale & frequent self-isolation driven by a lack of emotional support and positive reinforcement through childhood & adolescence. In a sense, these low vibes become crystallized in their self-image, mindset, and outlook. Which leads to a Life of little faith, little meaning, and much disappointment.
I wish I could promise that there comes a point where failure doesn’t disappoint anymore, but there doesn’t. Not unless you can live without forming any real expectations. Though really it’s not “the expecting” that’s stressful, it’s the attachment to & dependence for what’s expected that becomes our downfall; it’s our attachment to the outcome that causes us to suffer and experience disappointment: that feeling of being let down or having missed out. We’ve all felt a real bummer before.. Even though physically we may not have lost anything, it’s still in a very real sense a loss — a loss that we can’t help but grieve to some degree.
Failing blows, and falling short of expectations sucks enough without the self-doubt & insecurities, and with ‘em, coming up short only reinforces that label of ‘failure’, and feeds the fear of making mistakes.
I understand, making mistakes can be f***** embarrassing, but there is always an opportunity to learn from each one. I won’t learn a damn thing worth knowing or ever get any better at anything that matters if I stay afraid of making mistakes, and being rejected, and coming up short of my goals. The key to learning from failure is not feeling defeated, nor desperate for redemption when we don’t live up to expectation. So often when it happens, as soon as it does we begin looping on the faults & flaws that we believe have caused us to fail, or maybe, all of a sudden we get into this big rush to prove ourselves. Either way, in doing so we often lose our composure.
Tell me I’m wrong, but the way I see it, success without composure is just luck. Now I love getting lucky, I mean a win’s a win after all, but I’m not living just to test my luck. Besides, luck doesn’t fulfill me. May it save me from what I can’t see, and may it help inspire confidence to face greater risks & challenges, but I don’t want to be carried by it. I want to feel that I’ve earned my keep, and I want to know that I didn’t sell myself short.
“If you ain’t aim too high, then you aim too low.” — J. Cole // January 28th
Falling short of goals & expectations, whether they’re your own or not, won’t make you any less of who you are, but selling yourself short, and talking yourself out of even tryin will.. and that only ever stems from doubt.
Remember there’s levels to everything in Life, but you can’t let that discourage you. May it remind you to practice some humility, but never stop you from dreaming of a greater contribution. We should be aiming high, and we should have an ambition to give back to the land we’re from and to the community that raised us and will one day be raising our kids too.
If you’re not interested in “aiming high”, then perhaps you’re willing to dig a little deeper, work a little smarter, feel a little brighter.
This idea of more light, is at its root about developing this trust, nurturing this faith within oneself that how I am, and what I do, without a shadow of a doubt, facilitates balance & harmony to what is here and how it be — or at the very least, this idea is about establishing the conscious intention of putting any doubts to rest.
Of course, the work starts with self. We have to create balance & harmony within & between our own mind & body first, before we can expect to create that anywhere outside of ourselves — in our relationships, communities, workplace, company, economy, etc. We’re in charge of keeping ourself & our energy healthy, open, and uplifted. That means taking care of our future selves too, and staying grounded, curious, and optimistic. Sounds so simple, yet again & again proves to be most difficult when facing risk & stress.
It takes practice, who would have guessed?
So in a practical sense, this lightwork, if you will, much of it might sound like simple self-care — basic physical & mental exercise. Keeping the mind sharp & fluid with careful meditation, and authentic self-expression. Keeping the body strong, with physical & cardiovascular exercises: walking, stretching, dancing, skipping rope. Doesn’t have to be anything too intense or tenacious, it’s all about consistently practicing mindful movement & willful stillness.
Moving forward, the majority of this lightwork takes place within the mind and refining how we communicate with ourself, like exercising patience in a tense situation or correcting that critical self-loathing tone with a more compassionate one. — Mercy triumphs over judgment every time. We must develop compassion for ourself before we can anticipate and truly receive it from any other. With that, compassion doesn’t mean pity, it doesn’t mean sugarcoating, it doesn’t mean being a pushover. Compassion is being a friend; compassion is kind, but it won’t always be flattering because like a true friend, it has to be honest, and it has to be fair.. — Bottom line, we can be real and hold ourselves accountable while still being kind.
Get real, a little bit of tough love never killed anyone.
Stay true,
— T