Shrinking
There aren’t many things that can match the vulnerability & discomfort of finding a therapist. Seeking new shrinks whom of which I must deem worthy to trust enough to intimately rip my chest open in front of and spill my fucking guts at their feet… Always delightful.
I’m living in a new town, so I don’t want old problems & skeletons lingering. I don’t have any close friends here yet, and each side of the family I come from, though I love them dearly, are notorious for their capacity for dysfunction. Out of all my issues, I don’t feel that there are many I can come to them with for counsel, so I choose to share elsewhere. Anyway, I need a space where I can vent & breathe candidly & explicitly without fearing that what I share or how I share it is causing panic or offense.. I don’t want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells; I don’t want to feel any pressure to filter my speech in order to avoid stressing or upsetting anyone.
I’ve been through the wringer of counseling enough, allowing strangers to take turns interrogating & examining me about my mental/emotional health & dispositions, and I have come to know myself well enough from that to hold a pretty acute awareness of what I want to touch on & move through in my therapy.
And trust me, without that sense of direction and a real checklist of the things that we find are in the way of our best self & well-being, those first sessions are gonna feel very convoluted & nebulous - which isn’t very encouraging for your growth.
Drops // Drawing by SANTHOSH C H
Here is majority of mine — I wish to heal from the following:
Negative Self-talk
Self-Doubt
Relationship w/ shame
Anxiety/Depression > Triggers
Paranoid Ideation > Projections
Adverse child experiences
Death of a friend
Plus how all of the above affects my intimate relationships..
I wish to improve and refine my discipline in every field of my life. I know that therapy can help me with that, both with healing & refinement. From what I’ve been told, it seems that I’ve done a great job at portraying myself to most of my friends & family members that all my shit is together & well-kept. Which, a fair amount of the time is true. For the most part, I am a pretty tidy & organized person. However, for the past few years, I’ve also experienced more of the emotional spectrum than anyone in my Life could know, and that’s not any of their fault, that’s on me. It’s not like they’re unable to understand the emotions or unwilling to listen, it’s just because I never open up enough. I always make the choice to play aloof, or dissociate, and just keep it all to myself. I figure it’s for what’s best because I feel it’s no good for anyone when I’m in those headspaces.
I’m suspicious that there are plenty who can relate with this. Most of my troubles I’m certain are very common & totally “normal”, yet at the same time, I’m not confident that that is the case for all of them, especially the ones that give me the most trouble.
Whoever my next shrink turns out to be, I fully expect to build a long-term therapeutic relationship with them because I know that it’ll fuck me up real good if I unpack all this baggage once again, and let myself break down just to fail to break through with them too.
I want to build a stronger mindset with a brighter outlook, regardless of circumstances. And I have been, I’ve gained much more confidence & momentum in the last 12 months, but I’m still not where I feel I mean to be.. I’m seeking counsel, not for validation, not for solace, but for clarity. I only wish to be able to think clearly about all the decisions I’m faced with and the changes that I go through. There’s no need to feel so torn about how I move forward. I know confidence can help me battle indecision, but it’s clarity that will help me ask better questions, make better decisions and better wishes, and that is what I want, that’s what I’m praying for, that’s what I’m moving towards, so that’s why I’m reaching out.
I write these pieces for myself, but I post them with hopes they can encourage others to reach out a bit more too. I know I’ve expressed this plenty, just in different words, and I intend to continue finding new ways to spell it all out for as long as those hopes live within me.
That is what this outreach is all about. This is the mission.
Good wishes only,
— T