grudged

Pocket Thoughts

// grudged

I’ve been seeking an escape from this low state of mine
this nebulous headspace, these low-life vibes
Reflectin’ why I’m here; looking where to shed the blame,
I guess it’s clear — it’s stuck on my hands and all over my damn face
‘Why I couldn’t get a grip & wasn’t seeing straight

This one’s mine, all me, so I willingly throw myself into these waters.
Like, how shallow could it be?
— Staring past the edge with no bad feeling ‘bout it
A few worries, but I doubt ‘em
I just keep calm & pay ‘em no mind..
Of course, there might be sharp rocks below the surface line..
but I’ll take it on faith that could only be the case if it was truly meant to be
the ultimate mistake which leads me to a sudden death—
but I digress..
I mean there’s nothing left to check
The jump is just a test,
and bet I need no time to think
I’m takin’ that leap headfirst, fuck it
Strikes no fear in me

Now I fall and I let go of all I wish to control
& hope to forgive all that I can’t unsee
Yet, here I struggle because grudges are all I’ve ever known
it runs deep, you can smell ‘em on the family tree
It brings me low when they’re aired out, so I try not to breathe
— and I let them rest as they were..
‘Cause anyhow it comes down to me
Can’t fix the tree, but I can break these cycles at the very least
then plant better seeds, and tend to them more carefully
Help ‘em be more clever for the bad weather
and far far much better with the negativity,
Both are comin’, and around they always come.
Yo, a grudge is good for nothin’ — A kind reminder for ya, son.

But like I said, shit runs deep
Can’t remember the last time I wasn’t keepin’ at least a few within arms reach
They’re almost always exclusively against me, myself, and I,
but only because of these divine expectations of mine.
Must be clashing with the human in me.

Still, it never made sense to rob my own peace..