Mindscape

Art by KwangHo Shin

     I’ve experienced in my own behavior, and have been a witness to many other dark examples of the effects that poor mental hygiene can have on our performance, within our relationships, and overall quality of life. 

Mental health has been a challenge for me since my time at university. From the manic depressive swings, the paranoid ideation, to the occasional anxiety attack — These are not pleasant experiences, and the scary truth is that they are not always so preventable, but I do believe that there are simple things that can be put into practice that will help reduce the levels of distress and the risks of impairment when they do occur. Which is why I’m so moved to talk about my own issues, and use my voice to spread a message that can help the minds of lives like mine see themselves & the world they live in a bit more clearly, so that they may cope more appropriately, and move gracefully — even with the weight of it all on their shoulders.

Though I’m inspired with this great intention to build a mission-driven brand that focuses on mental health issues like my own, I have yet to share (publicly) any of the real psychological dysfunctions that I contend with on a near-daily basis. — I haven’t given any of the greater contexts as to why I care to be such an influence. So with this post, I’m reaching in, hoping to present a deeper look into my mindscape and show how it connects/relates with my outreach. 

With the worldwide web at your fingertips and the perpetual ill feeling of being out of place, it’s hard to resist the urge to self-diagnose while researching psychological conditions that resonate with your personal symptoms. 

Let me make it clear that this is not the best way to go about getting a better grasp on your mental game! I do not encourage anyone to attempt to self-diagnose. Please seek out an experienced mental health professional for help with this.

I ended up spending so much energy studying criteria for various personality & mood disorders because I legitimately considered myself to be abnormal, and so it only made sense to me that that meant I must have some kind of underlying mental disorder, and it is the reason why I feel & act the way I do. 

Why else would I feel so sensitive and eccentric, especially in social settings? 
Why else would an otherwise handsome, intelligent, and talented young man have such a filthy & self-loathing internal dialogue? 
What else would cause such strong paranoid projections that everyone’s angry with me, slighting me, and mocking my decisions? 
Why else would I, an individual who prides themself on always being calm & collected, be so obsessively & compulsively concerned with other people’s impression of me?

I began thinking of myself as warped, compromised, and imbalanced. I was chasing the label of diagnosis because it would offer me the sense of certainty I lacked, and a framework of a “real” treatment plan — a system to help me cope with my dis-ease.

Eventually, I turned away from seeking a label of any particular disorder and sought out therapy in a professional setting where I was appropriately encouraged to focus more on the environments in which my personality had developed, and less on evaluating the behavior of my mind — more on the causes of my symptoms, and less on their classifications

Still, the most disturbing yet intriguing symptom of mental illness I face is within the paranoid headspace. It’s this experience of inflated suspicion, where all eyes are on me as though they see right through me, and they know exactly where I’m vulnerable. All conversations & commentary become about me & my fate. Every laugh is at me, never with me, and it’s not ever lighthearted — even affirmations & validations are interpreted as facetious, flippant. It’s always cynical & personal, each voice & pair of eyes prodding at everything that I might have an interest in hiding. In this space, I feel that there is nowhere to go.

It’s within this headspace where I feel most agitated & shameful, but I find it so intriguing too because I’m aware enough of my own thinking to recognize how fucking bizarre it is. Although I still can’t distance myself enough from it to not be so shook by the fear & shame it compounds within me.. It just feels so real.

What’s so dangerous about this suspicion is how quickly it removes me from what's present and dissociates me from the reality. — You see, when I’m having these intrusive thoughts & feelings of “I’ve done so much wrong,, I am pathetic,, I am to blame for all the suffering around me,, I should be ashamed,, I’m a fool!”, and on & on with how I’ve neglected my spirit and turned my life into such a joke. When there’s all that internal negativity, it creates this perverted lens in my perception that projects that negativity onto the eyes & voices of everyone I can see & hear — All telling me, with a tone of disgust, “You’re out of line.”

I become so agitated and confused from fighting & invalidating what I feel to the point where I lose touch with what’s real. And once I’m past that tipping point, everything becomes a question, and the only thing that I can be certain of that is real, is what hurts.. and so I cling to it.

This anxiety, this paranoia, it causes me to shrink & curl up inside myself. It makes me so small, and it becomes much more convenient to turn away from friends, relationships, and normal activities that would lift my spirits.. just to preserve & protect my-self, and to feel safe from the hostility, despite even when I have the conviction that it’s my own projection. It can radically spiral my life into a mess of negativity, doubt, shame, and avoidance — and that’s not at all what I want. 

I wish to expand & connect and use the angles I have to reflect new ones, greater ones — ones that help others do the same. I believe that the majority of human beings are naturally wired in a similar fashion, but when mental health issues get in the way and suppress our energy or distort our view of the world, our real aspirations are diminished & overlooked. And to me, that’s a hell of a tragedy.

That’s why I do this. That’s why I wish to reach out because I know how much the effort could’ve helped me, and how much it would’ve encouraged me to not only take better care of my own energy and focus on sustaining my well-being, but also to be a part of a greater cause, a greater movement — to root myself in something beyond what’s between my own birth & death. And I know that sounds hella dramatic, but it’s how I feel. That’s how I make sense of it all anymore. 

So here I am, 23 years old with the wisdom from the experience of a fist full of mental illness symptoms, and I’m certain that the last 5+ years would have been much happier & fulfilling if I had simply been reminded more of what it means and what it looks like to care for your energy, and to use it for what’s worthwhile. That’s not saying that simply receiving those reminders would have prevented all of those symptoms from manifesting, but I do believe that it would have helped me tremendously in how I planned for the future and manage the many stressful moments along the way.

Just a little bit of guidance can last a lifetime.

Bless,
— T